Mystery...

My OB/GYN cannot conclude the 'thing' at my cervix... the ultrasound / sonogram didn't tell much about it...

Need to do MRI (lah pulakk??) this weekend before they can solve this mystery... and it left me in misery... aduii tired...

And I need to do the hormonal test again!!!.. dah berapa tube daa darah aku dia ambik... apparently my pregnancy hormon is still high... (aikk??!! dah tak merandung pun high jugak?)

I took a peek at the referral letter... "Endometrial polyp vs Endo mass"????.... apekahh???

Whatever the result is... janganlah cancer!!... ya Allah... tolong lah...

Semalam Di Malaysia...

Semalam di Malaysia...
Suka duka bersatu rasa...
Terselit syukur di dalam tawa...
Terbit insaf di dalam tangis...
Selagi aku bergelar insan di bumi ini...
Selagi itulah selayaknya aku diuji...
Segala puji hanya untuk Mu ya Allah...
Menghampar seribu hikmah di lantaian musibah...
Dan segalanya kepada Mu aku berserah... PASRAH...

My post D&C check up reveals that I have polyps that need to be removed... means that I have to undergo for surgery again :(

It's benign and 99% non cancerous. I just had all the screening and tests for further diagnose early this week. And until the results came out, that 1% left me nothing but to worry...

Tapi saya YAKIN dengan janji Allah...
DIA sesekali tidak akan menguji di luar kemampuan hambaNya...

I loss my mom last year...
I loss my unborn child this year...
I don't know what's coming next...
But yet the countless goodness and blessings He has poured on me are endless...
Feeling tiny and helpless...
I should have been more thankful to Him...
Rather than grieving in anxiety...

Kerinduan dalam kerisauan...

I'm in deep emo right now... mix feeling of going back to Malaysia in a week time. Yes... so excited nak balik raya, jumpa everyone... but so sad I can no longer see and hug her forever. It's a huge lost in my life. Rindu yg tak boleh nak digambarkan... especially time2 Ramadhan ni... lagi la tangkap leleh bila layan lagu "My Mom is Amazing" nih... owh... sangat syahdu...

But I keep reminding myself she's my mom, but not my belonging. She belongs to Allah and I belong to Allah too. Everything in this world is a loan from God, when the time is up, it will be taken away.

Yes... she'll always be missed and always be remembered. Al-Fatihah...

What's important for me now is to focus on what has been granted to me. Agak terkilan dgn pengisian Ramadhan kali ini terlalu banyak dengan shopping dan agenda duniawi. Sedar2 dah towards the end of Ramadhan... huhuhuu.... May Allah forgive my sins and protect my journey home... nak balik ni... risau tak packing lagi... risau online orders tak sampai lagi ni... risau CIFP assignment berlambak... (sebulan definitely gone nak berfoya2 di M'sia... sempat ke siap??)... risau makcik kena duduk econ class sorang2 (dah le tak pandai cakap omputeh)... risau SIA boleh ke remind waktu solat mcm dlm MAS??... risau H1N1... hhmm biasanya Emak lah tempat meluahkan rasa dan kerisauan... :(

Doa Hanna...

One day after solat...

Hanna: Mommy, can u doa for me? I don't know how to doa like u...

Mak: U can doa yourself Hanna, anything u want, in your own way... Allah can hear u... Allah sayang Hanna...

Hanna: (sambil angkat tangan berdoa)... Ya Allah ya tuhan ku.... I want a big brother... and please give my mommy a baby...

Aku tersepuk di sejadah... sayu... teringat balik hari2 sebelumnya... dia tanya kenapa dia takde brothers and sisters mcm orang lain. Hanna is lonely... dia nak abang utk bermain. I guess she misses both Danial and Aiman yg dah balik Malaysia for good few months ago. She was very closed to those boys. I said to her she cannot have an "abang" since she's my first child (and the only child until now... :( ). I said Mommy and Abaji are trying to give her adik instead. But it's all up to Allah's will, and I asked her to keep on doa with me... tak tersangka pulak doa itu yg terkeluar dari mulut dia.

Mula mengenal dunia semenjak 2 tahun lepas bersama dua beradik ini - Danial & Aiman

Been trying for 14 months now... after several screenings and check up procedures, my gynecology said that I'm healthy. What more can I say.... we can only plan, but Allah is the GREATEST planner. Will keep trying and trying until He says "Kun fa ya kuun"....

Semoga doa Hanna dimakbulkan dengan segera... Amiinn...

Saya sangat rinduuu.... :(

My mom loved this song... I love this song... Hanna loves this song... Hanna used to dance in front of her when I played this song... Makk... saya rindu sangat kat mak...

Ohhh... Ya Allah... I miss her so much! Al-Fatihah... Ameen...

Hanna (2 yrs old) sedang melayan diri sambil diperhatikan oleh Atok Mak... (pesen rambut Temenggung Jugah... hahaha!!)

She's Gone....

... Mak at her last 33 days ...

Innalillahi wa innailaihi roji'unn.

My beloved mother has passed on to the next life on 19 Nov 2008, 5.39pm @ PMC at the age of 59. Alhamdulillah, her body was safely buried in Muslim Cemetery Kg. Parit Keroma, Jln Abd. Rahman, Muar, Johor on 20 Nov 2008 @ 11 am.

Cause of death: Breast carcinoma mestasis to the liver and brain. She was a cancer survivor for 31 months. I was by her side until her last dying breath. She left us with a smile... as if like telling me that she lost the battle but won the war. May she rest in peace and may Allah place her in Jannah with the mukmins and solihins. Ameen.

Al-fatihah to Allahyarhamah Hajjah Zuhila @ Hamidah Bte Ali (1949-2008).

Emergency

Akim skype me this morning... Her condition is worsen...

Ajal maut bukan kita yg tentukan. But I don't want to feel regret for the rest of my life... incase tak sempat...

So, I decided to come back a.s.a.p. Just bought the ticket for tomorrow nite, but haven't packing yet... nothing to pack anyway. It's just me by myself... Insyaallah, Abaji will be joining me next weekend.

Emakk... I'm coming home... mak tunggu saye ye...

Ya Allah yg Maha Pemurah... Lapangkanlah masa kami Ya Allah.... Berikanlah kami kesempatan, panjangkanlah umur kami Ya Allah.... Aminn

Friends, doakan semoga semuanya baik2 aje ye...

Post Mastectomy in April 2006

Hoping for Miracle...

Yes.. really hoping for it...

Miracle on my mom's health... yes, she's on intensive chemo again :(

Miracle on my TK1001 exam result... aduihh.. lemah longlai kuar drp exam room. Terus sarung sun glasses takmoh Abaji nampak air mata aku dah bergenang menunggu tumpah sbb tak leh jwb uuwwaaa!! :( (bleh le jwb ngan 7-8 soklan objective aku tembak... and almost all my essays merapu tahap gaban selama 3 jam ituusss....)

Only Allah knows.... Wallahualam...

But why not I be more grateful with all the miracles and rezki given from Him for all these while??!! instead asking for more lah pulak... Astaghfirullahhal'azimm...